After I have sat through ‘Stick Man’ eighteen times, my daughter Precious Child Khaleesi Gollum, who is 4.5 years old, has finally agreed to watch ‘Star Wars: A New Hope’, which I have downloaded at vast expense despite having owned it on almost every media that has existed since 1978.
Incredibly, I’d forgotten a number of things:
1: Darth Vader, who Khaleesi Gollum really wanted to see, throttles the ship’s captain about three minutes in. Hopefully, Khaleesi Gollum interpreted the scene in the same way I did when I was seven, which is that the captain must have done something really annoying.
2: It’s almost impossible to understand what is going on. Republic? Council? Plans? Eh?
3: Why doesn’t the Empire just shoot the bloody lifepod? Are they saving weapons energy or something? I can’t understand why; no one gave a toss about the environment in the 70s and anyway, this is space above the ozone layer of a desert planet.
4: For the first time ever I’m relieved to see the jawas, because they are child sized. Indeed, they were played by children but I won’t mention that factoid yet in case Khaleesi Gollum freaks out later and a soothing explanation for something is needed.
4: The Tusken Raiders are… Well, what the hell are they? Bloody scary is what.
5: Loads of people get killed; I’d forgotten how many. I mean it’s called ‘Star Wars’, which is a clue but even so…
6: Obi Wan is banging on about the Jedi and I am worried that I’ll lose Khaleesi Gollum if Obi Wan doesn’t get to the point soon. At least C3PO’s arm, which had been ripped off, is now back on.
7: I am seriously worried about the bit with the dead jawas burning in a pile, which is in about five minutes’ time. I’m now glad I didn’t mention the children connection.
8: Darth Vader is going to throttle someone else soon. He lets him live, but this throttling is done remotely, which if anything is even more distuuurbing. Also, the scene is another one about the kind of incomprehensible galactic politics that were explored in such yawn-inducing detail in ‘The Phantom Menace’. The remote throttling is the only good bit.
9: The villains are all English. I am concerned about the effect this will have on my child’s self-esteem, slightly.
10: REALLY worried about the bit with the burning skeletons. That never stops being nasty-
Ah, Khaleesi Gollum wants to watch ‘Stick Man’ again. Phew!